The wonderfully bequiffed Morrissey once sang, “Shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you, from doing all the things in life you’d like to”; this was decades before he became a right-wing fascist, obviously. But by Jove he was right. Shyness can indeed stop us from fulfilling our true potential because it shows us the fear before the reward. If we can just pause, breathe, feel the fear, then go ahead and ‘ask’ anyway, we may be astounded by the response. He later implores; “If there is something you’d like to try, ask me I won’t say no, how could I?”. Go on, admit it, sounds tempting when someone puts it so sweetly, no?
As an actor, I have always had the confidence to go on stage and “be” somebody else. I very rarely suffer from any form of stage-fright, it is not at all troublesome for me to perform in front of a thousand people. However, when I find myself backstage afterwards being introduced to strangers, I wilt like a rose in the midday sun. Every single time. Many actors will tell you the same thing, it is most extraordinary. My shyness can be crippling at times. I say at times because a few years ago I met someone who exuded social confidence in a way I had never encountered before. He was genuinely at ease with every person he met. Which astounded me, and was terribly attractive, I have to say.
So, I began watching and learning. One of the first things I noticed was the way he would engage people upon meeting them by getting them to talk about something they were passionate about. Per esempio, I recall one particular evening with much clarity. Upon being introduced to an Ambassador he asked questions about their country. He knew it well, so he asked if they shared knowledge of the same places, which they did, and then the conversation led to questions about people, which in turn led to some incredible coincidences; the world is much smaller than you may have been led to believe. Despite the wise words of the sage Diedre Barlow; “You wouldn’t want to hoover it though, would you?”. Back to shyness. Later that evening when we were introduced to a baker from Qormi he immediately started a conversation about the patron saint (St. George, for those who don’t know), and had the man excitedly chatting away about statues and who produces the best hobza before I could finish my Asti Spumante. Now, if you are shy, like me, this can be a wonderful tool. It is universally acknowledged that most people will talk about themselves forever if you give them half a chance. So, shy people of the world I say here and now…let them! It means you do not have to talk much if you are feeling awkward, and you may learn something too. This is often referred to as a win-win situation, I believe.
I observed this on so many occasions that I found myself doing it with ease within a short period of time, and found that my shyness stopped getting in the way of me enjoying social gatherings. If this is as far as your comfort zone will allow, it will be enough to get you through most situations, I promise you. I have found on numerous occasions that enquiring as to whether or not an elderly person next to me at dinner has Grandchildren or not, is a great way to hide behind the social anxiety caused by my shyness. If they do, they will merrily chirp away about the joy they feel whenever the little bundles of happiness are nearby. Watch somebody’s face as they talk about someone they love, you will see their beauty. This would be a good time to suggest that you try and keep conversations on a light and positive note when first meeting people. We all know that the traffic is bad in Malta, who needs to be reminded of that when you are not actually in your car? Watching somebody’s face when they are angry is not the same. You will not see their beauty, I can assure you.
If you are dealing with one, or several of the many insecurities that people suffer from in daily life, and the thought of even asking a few simple questions appears terrifying…fear not, I am here to help. Before I mastered the skill of listening, which really does put you at ease, trust me, I had a wonderful tool that helped me enormously. I learnt this from one of England’s greatest minds. I have an actor friend, (who shall remain nameless, as I know he would be shy about me mentioning his name, such is his humility. And one should never name drop. It is social death, trust me), who taught me something marvellous. He was educated at Cambridge University, became the President of The Footlights acting troupe in his time there, and went on to receive both critical and financial success as soon as he left. Throughout that entire period, and indeed, even to this very day, he suffers from the worst case of shyness I have ever encountered. It is as powerful as his talent, which is phenomenal. The tool he uses is wonderful. He tells people. When he meets someone new, and he is nervous, he lets them know that he is shy and that he is nervous! It is so simple, yet so effective.
Most people want whoever they are in conversation with to feel comfortable because it makes them feel comfortable. Mirror neurons exist, it has been proven by surgeons, despite intense debate. So tell people exactly how you are feeling if you are feeling shy; if they are wonderful human beings they will put you at ease quicker than I can polish off a plate of qaghaq tal ghasels. And if they don’t, well then they are just horrid. And who wants horrid people in their lives? Certainly not me, that’s for sure. But if those situations arise; when the timing is appropriate, make a polite excuse, walk away, and find someone lovely to talk to. The world is full of them, you just have to ‘ask’ to find out.
