Different folks, Different Strokes

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People love differently.

I know it sounds like I’m overstating the obvious, but whenever we get in a relationship, we expect our partner to automatically think/ behave/ react like us. Especially if they love us.

Example:

The male partner believes that all affection is non verbal. He never talks to his female companion & never shares what is going on in his life. Deals with problems on his own, as he believes it is a man’s duty to safe harbour his woman from his issues, which he must fix himself.

He wants to protect her, so she can keep free from worry. His way of showing affection is by showering her with presents and by making sure she never lacks anything in her life – all on the material side, for which he will go to the ends of his means to acquire.

She, on the other hand, finds his attitude frustrating and cold.She would prefer a movie and a conversation, while all his presents leave her stone cold. He finds her ungrateful, and her attitude discouraging and emasculating as he never seemed to get it right.

From the outside, we realise that the relationship is an extremely caring one, just not a compatible one. His set of beliefs does not match hers. His way of caring is taking care of her, making sure she never worries, that she has all she needs, all she could possibly want – he was brought up that way.

On the other hand, all she does is worry. That he doesn’t love her enough to listen to her, to care about her. She believes a relationship is not material. She believes that you can be anywhere, in any type of circumstance, but if you care for each other things will be ok.

I find myself repeating this: expectations are unfair. Silly as well. We think differently. We experiment differently. We understand differently. Do not judge. We can’t see the whole picture, the way people react is so much bigger than the present moment and what you are able to INTERPRET out of it.

I’ve been blessed to love a lot of people in my life. I’ve had some amazing relationships. They’ve all ended. Not because there wasn’t caring there, but because the way we cared for each other wasn’t compatible.

Thing is, once you realise that loving isn’t meant to be just the way you understand it to be, you find yourself loved by a lot of people. And you reciprocate. And you never intrude on their way of loving again. You feel grateful for it.

You still look for that way of loving that is compatible to yours. In which you find peace. I believe this exists, and it takes understanding, commitment, freedom, oh so much freedom. A relationship needs to be fun, free, supportive, non demanding, adaptable, respectful.

If you don’t respect your partner, you don’t respect yourself. There’s some insecurity you need to deal with before you’re able to enter a healthy relationship. You’re not competing with your partner. You’re there to build something with them if you’re lucky enough.

Even if incompatible,you can be blessed to build an amazing friendship, once the ego struggles between your different ways of loving subside. Be aware of your ego, it’s never worth losing someone you shared your life with.

Always understand that some people you just need to let go, because relationships are meant to flow, not be an internal struggle. I listen a lot to my gut feeling, to my intuition. If I am at peace with a person, without analyzing them or their actions, I know I’m good.

If you can’t find peace in the way you are with your partner, even after efforts to understand.. you may be incompatible. That’s ok. Let them go. There are many people out there compatible with you. Don’t let your ego hold on just because you planned them to be, as society puts it ” the one”.

Life is so beautiful, there’s no point in making efforts, when things can be simple. Unless you like drama. In which case, I fully support you and your efforts. :)

When you feel hurt by your partner, most often it is not because of something serious, but because you each understand differently the notion of caring. You each place different notions as priorities, therefore you may feel hurt at times. Communication plays a big role.. Anything you are building, in any part of your life, will take a lot of patience and work. Depends on your own internal priorities.

I love people, so caring comes naturally to me. However, I have a few golden rules so I don’t get caught up in my ego and terrorize my relationships:

1. I have no expectations. – I believe a relationship should run its course, without any pushing. If it gets hurtful or too difficult, I walk away.

2. Put myself first – No matter how much I care about my partner, I never lose sight of things I want to achieve in life. Yeah, I may be in love now, but 5 years down the line, I don’t want to reprimand my partner with my regrets that I didn’t follow my career because I chose to nurture my relationship.

3. My partner does not make me happy – I DO THAT. I don’t expect him to complete me/ make me happy/ change my life or any other Lifestyle Magazine induced idea that may be out there. I am happy by myself, but love sharing my life with a compatible partner.

4. Keep things simple – because beautiful things are simple.

5. I care the way I want to be cared for – but don’t expect the same in return. It’s just the best I can do for my partner. He may understand things differently.

6. Keep things transparent – because dishonesty complicates things & I now refer to point number 4.

7. Support my partner – it doesn’t mean suffocating them. It means a bit of attention, while being independent. It means a small sign that you are there. It’s what I call silent trust. The faith that your partner is there, even though they don’t say anything.

8. Freedom – Jealousy is an illness. It’s not fun or good for the ego. It doesn’t mean that if you’re not jealous you don’t care for your partner. Please note that when I speak of jealousy, I refer to the kind that equates possession, controlling behaviour, needing a report of your partner’s activities in detail, insecurity of their honesty – if they have never showed you a sign in that direction.

Don’t analyze everyone that likes your partner. You are attracted to them, chances are that others are too. Be proud of them, don’t try to belittle their qualities.

9. Forgiveness – sometimes we hurt each other. We don’t mean to, or we do. It doesn’t matter. Have your priorities straight. Is this your ego?  Have patience, don’t rush. Calm down before you speak from hurt. I usually take a while to process what I am feeling, and if I still feel the same way the following morning, I take action on it.

There are times when it is necessary to jolt your partner with honesty. It is ok to let them know they hurt you as long as your goal is to get them to understand how you feel, not to punish them. No relationship will be perfect. It’s just a continual set of priorities.

10. Respect – Respect yourself first to speak out whenever something is hurting you. Respect your partner enough to speak truthfully, not from a point of anger. Respect your relationship as to be patient to see where it’s going, instead of making plans on it.

Respect your life to walk away from anything that is toxic to you. You only live once. Make it a positive existence. You’ll make the world one person happier.

11. I am not anyone’s – neither is my partner mine. We are not objects, we can’t be possessions. As much as we enjoy one another’s company, we will enjoy other people’s company as well.

Wanting to be EVERYTHING to a person is unhealthy, it borders on the obsessive and it’s all tied to internal insecurities. Love does not equate possession. It equates wanting the best for your partner even when you are not  part of that best.;)

As this seems to be a post of overstating the obvious : just because my set of beliefs is the above, it does not mean I am either right or wrong, neither does it mean that anyone should believe the same. It means it works for me, and I’m sharing as it may work for someone else. :)

We each have different journeys to go on, so kindly forgive the times my words sound like absolute points of view. Everything is relative, this is my part of relativity.

Much love all. Stay blessed.

Filed under: Inspiration Tagged: accept, affection, amazing, communication, compatibility, compatibilty, drama-free, empathy, frustrations, go with the flow, growth, Happy, internal joy, let go, love, loving, make sure, needs, partner, positive, respect, simple, take care, tolerance, trust, wisdom, Yourself first

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