At some point I started running away. Running away from the deaf feeling that things are not alright. I had lost my smile. I ran away from it. And I knew.
I knew time was running out on that person. I knew, and did nothing to stop it. I watched from the outside, patient, allowing myself to grieve and feel everything. I experienced it all. I was feeling torn between pride and anger towards myself. I was feeling unwound, charged and low. I looked at every single feeling that surged through me. It was a chaotic mess of confusion, love, anger and pride.
There was a lust of hatred that squirmed with every single moment that I kept allowing the present to go on. I knew time was running out. I knew, and I was looking forward to it.
I believe there is something inside me that will take action when it’s in my best interest. And so…the bubble burst, and all came rushing out in a wave of relief. An immerse of peace. An intense feeling of gratitude.
All the things you’d think you’d miss are just a part of your ego’s struggle to keep hold of a circumstance, condition or thing. I refuse to reduce myself to conditioning, just like I refuse to perceive conditioning. I like to experience what I’m feeling. Because I am free to, because I can.
And in this line of thinking, you find yourself in the odd position of not missing anything.Just feeling relief in the fact it’s missing from your life. You feel your muscles un-tense and realize you feel unburdened from a strain. Like you’re standing straight after a whole day of hunching.
There you find yourself stumbling in awe amongst your thoughts, trying to find one feeling of regret,of holding on… and all you can feel is excitement for your freedom.
Slightly disappointed at the result of probing your thoughts, you start looking at pictures. “Come on! You’ve got to have one feeling of sadness that this is gone…I’m sure you do… “and you take them one by one to scrutinize.
Yet, all you can recall from each picture is the negative feeling you had bottled up inside yourself and the self-restraint you used in order to act happy. So you stop looking at the pictures. You look up and feel grateful. There’s no more of that feeling here.
You’re sitting with a glass of wine in the steaming bathtub, smiling to yourself as if you should be rewarded. Truth is, you believe you should. All you can think about is all the things that you have to be grateful for. All the people you love and all the people who show you so much love.
Hence, you smile. Take a sip of your wine, and lower yourself in the tub, under the pearl bubbles popping lightly under the steam.
Your thoughts are finally quiet and a familiar hand reaches to take the stray strand off your face. Eyes closed, still smiling, feeling the hand gently smoothing your hair just one thought runs in your mind, over and over ” You did good baby girl, you did good:) “.
Filed under: Journal of my soul, My life Tagged: absurd, affection, amazing, awareness, beautiful, beginning, best, careing, conditioning, control, encouragement, ending, energy, familiar, friendship, good, gratitude, great, Inspiration, intense, life is, light, love, loving, lust, new, one, positive, present, relief, respect, restraint, savage, sincerity, Support, true, truth